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Young Writers Society



This is different (part 1)

by A.J Murphy


Okay, I hope this isn't too cliche, it may seem like that in the beginning but all I can say it's not what it seems. It's my first so wish me luck.

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The vibration of the car pulsated through Ella’s skull as she pressed her forehead to the cold glass window of the black Sudan. The warm rays of summer countered the chill the glass brought to Ela’s skin. It was the first week of summer, and she already hated it.

It wasn't that Ella hated summer; she just didn’t like wasting it.

Well, her parents wouldn't say she was wasting it. Her family had decided to send her to a youth detective/spy/agent/ whatever else helped America, program for the few months before school started up again. You see, her parents worked for the F.B.I and C.I.A, (a weird mix I know) and they decided to give her some kind of aptitude test that she scored highly on and now she was enrolled in some program to help the World.

Okay maybe that’s an exaggeration, not the whole world, but definitely some city or county or whatnot. The point is she really didn’t care, she just didn’t want to go, but she had to. Don’t get the wrong idea, Ella would love to help the town or city or whatnot, it’s just she couldn’t get rid of the feeling that this was all some big scam and it was just another class on how to spot ‘bad guys’ and what to do in case of a fire.

What really stinks is that she is attending this program and she couldn’t drive yet. Well technically she could, her parents, Fiona and Jeff, just don’t want her too, and that is a story for another time. I better learn how to shoot a gun in this program because if I don’t then I can positively say that my summer is wasted. Ella thought, only to be interrupted by her mother.

“Remember dear, you are very young but you have to realize this is the real world and some adult agents won’t treat you like a child.” Fiona comforted her child, well at least she tried too, as they pulled up to the office building that seemed a little too normal to be an F.B.I base.

The reassuring and oddly maternal phrase seemed a bit odd coming from the mouth of a woman who had probably shot around a dozen men. Fiona was tall with hair as red as the setting sun. Her features were sharp and her glance held daggers. The comforting phrase seemed all too forced to be genuine, so Ella didn’t feel the least bit reassured.

Ella only inherited a few features from her mother, the curly red hair and pale complexion, her striking blue eyes came from her father, yet unlike both her parents, she was a petite girl around the 5’4” mark. She also had a very feminine body, neither from mother or father.

“Mom, I’ll be fine. I’m not a child. I’m sixteen, not six.” Ella whined, trying to keep her voice low as she entered the building. There was nothing but a hallway that led to a single office and an elevator, which surprised her. She expected to see more people in suits or bad guys in handcuffs and, well, stuff that was more intimidating. Yet the only thing intimidating here was the cream colored wallpaper that started to fade.

“Wait here Ella, I need to check with a few people I’ll be right back.” Fiona assured her daughter waiting for a response, but proceeding through the door after a few moments without getting as much as a nod. "Please keep an open mind." Was the last thing her mother said before disappearing through the door. Ella crossed her hands over her chest and let out a frustrated sigh. A few minutes had passed and still her mother had not yet returned. Ella started to pace the hallway until she heard footsteps. Unfortunately they were coming from outside.

A few moments later a couple of guys walked in. One looked to be around the same age as Ella, and the other was most certainly his father. He was a tall and brutish man, but he had handsome features, which his son had obviously inherited. This man certainly looked like an F.B.I agent, with a mysterious aura that surrounded him. He looked at Ella with a flash of recognition in his eyes. Every staff member knew Ella, and why she was here, The pieces were falling into place and it was Ela ho had to finish the puzzle.

“Justin wait here, we’re early.” He said in a clipped and rushed voice to his son who seemed to focus all his attention on Ella. “Yeah, sure dad.” He slurred. “I’ll only be a few minutes.” Was the last thing Justin’s father said before leaving, disappearing into the room that Fiona had, just a few minutes earlier.

“So are you in the program too?” Justin asked, walking up to Ella with a confident smile and cocky attitude. He was a tall, and well fit dude, with light brown hair and dark brown eyes. He towered inches above Ella, six at the most. “Yes, and you?” Ella continued, with a teasing intention. Allowing herself to have some fun. “Hmm, looking at you I can conclude that you probably don’t want to be here.” He assumed. Leaning against the wall with a playful smirk.

“Well, you got that right." Ella snorted, amused by his playful antics. "I'm guessing you want to be here." She stated with a smile inching closer to him unintentionally.

“Oh yeah. This is an F.B.I program, it’s the bomb.” Justin exclaimed cheerily.

“It’s probably nothing but a prevention course on how to spot the bad guys and what to do incase of emergencies.” Ella scoffed, but it didn’t seem to deflate Justin’s optimism.

“Probably, but it's all worth it if we get to be around hot F.B.I girls.” He snickered. Ella shook her head disapprovingly. 'This might not be so bad after all.' She thought, Justin's optimistic nature was rubbing off on her.

“Who are as old as your mother.” Ella pointed out and Justin seemed to take that into consideration with a slight frown. "Don't worry, you always have me." Ella laughed, this statement seemed to lift his spirits immensely.

“So what’s your name?” Justin asked, smiling sweetly.

“Ella.” She responded.

“It’s nice to meet you Ella, I’m Justin.” Justin remarked as if Ella didn’t hear his father state his name earlier.


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Wed Dec 23, 2009 1:16 am
Lena.Wooldridge wrote a review...



Hey AJ!

Grammar
:arrow: There is a lack of commas throughout this story. Here are some examples:

It was the first week of summer and she already hated it.

Well her parents wouldn't say she was wasting it.

The first one should read as: "It was the first week of the summer, and she already hated it". The second one should read as: "Well, her parents wouldn't say she was wasting it".
:idea: Try reading over your work out loud. Where ever you stop for a second or breath in the middle of a sentence, you should put in a comma.
:arrow: There is another example of errors with commas and punctuation. In this phrase:
and well, stuff that was more intimidating
the word "well" is an interjection. Interjections should always be surrounded by commas. So it would read as follows: "...and, well, stuff that was more intimidating".

:arrow: When dialogue ends and it says that whole "he said, she said" kind of a thing, the phrase of dialogue should end with a comma, not a period. Here's an example:
"...adult agents won’t treat you like a child.” Fiona comforted her child,

Instead of a period after "child", it should be a comma.

:idea: All numbers, within reason, should be spelled out. For example:
He towered inches above Ela, 6 at the most.
Should read as: He towered inches above Ela, six at the most.

:arrow: There is incorrect use of apostrophes. For example:
what to do incase of emergency’s.
Note: in case is two words.
:idea: A quick lesson on apostrophes ('): an apostrophe signals ownership. In this case, you are saying that the apostrophe owns something. The correct way of saying it is: emergencies. A simple "s" is the way to signal that a word is plural.

:arrow: All thoughts should be in italics.

Characterization
:arrow: First off, the character of Justin is portrayed as the classic cocky guy. However, you may want to stray away from such cliches

:arrow: We know nothing about Ela. Except that she does not know how to flirt or carry on a conversation, she's awkward.


Plot
:arrow: The idea of a spy school is incredibly cliched.
:arrow: I can't stand Ela's name.. I don't even know how to pronounce it. If it's pronounced like "Ella", then just call her Ella!
:?: Why does Ella not return Justin's interest, when he is so obviously flirting with her?
:!: This story is very, very, informal, with words like "dude" and such. Just taking note of that.

Overall
Yet another spy novel-to-be, with an interesting twist when the MC does not actually want to attend, and very informally written in contrast to most action-type novellas.

PM for any questions
Cheers,
-Lena




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 3:19 pm
A.J Murphy says...



Thanks That really helped! I just went back and edited it slightly.




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Tue Dec 22, 2009 2:58 pm
AquaMarine wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm Amy, and I'll be reviewing this for you today.

A few nitpicks that I'll just point out:

It’s not that Ela hated summer; She just didn’t like wasting it.

It might be better if you say "It wasn't that Ela hated summer", it sounds better. Also, "she" doesn't need to be capitalized as it is following a semi-colon.

Well she couldn’t say she was wasting it.

If she doesn't think that, then she wouldn't be hating it, would she? Maybe you could switch it to, "Not that her parents would say she was wasting it", or something?

You see, her parents work for the F.B.I and C.I.A, (a weird mix I know)

"work" should be 'worked' because this is in past tense. Also, the brackets really bug me. The whole first person thing doesn't fit in here.

and what to do incase of a fire.

"In case" is two words.

Fiona was tall with hair as red as the setting sun……. wow that was poetic.

What really annoys me here is the very occasional informal comment you seem to put into your story. It really doesn't work and detracts from the entire thing. Yes, it was poetic. It was also cliché and ruined by your aside comment.

The comforting phrase seemed all too forced to be genuine, but Ela didn’t feel the least bit reassured.

You should probably say "so" instead of "but" because you aren't counteracting anything here.

“Mom, I’ll be fine. I’m not a child. I’m 16 not 6.” Ela whined, trying to keep her voice low as she entered the building.

You need to work on your dialogue grammar. Here is a really useful article that will tell you what you need to know! When you've read that, go over your story and edit most of your dialogue parts because a lot of them aren't grammatically correct.

He looked at Ela with a flash of recognition in his eyes.

Why does he recognise her? You might want to expand here.

One thing I've noticed that at the start you seem to describe the story pretty well. Sure, you could do with putting some more of Ela's thoughts and emotions in it, but it's not that bad. Then, near the end, all of your description drops off and we're left with the bare bones of what is basically becoming a script. We need more than just dialogue (which, again, needs to be corrected grammatically) and singular lines of description. Readers want characters, they want emotions. This is the first part of your story so you need to draw people in and get them interested. I'm sorry, but at the moment this isn't hooking me much. You need to develop your story more and give to the reader. Does that make sense?

But it is a good idea, and I hope that you work on it and make it as good as it has the potential to be! Good luck with it.

If you have any more questions then feel free to PM me; I'm always happy to help!

Hope this helped you somewhat!

~Amy





Once you have people's attention, you have a greater responsibility to tell them something of value.
— Tobias Forge (Ghost B.C.)